God hates Italy: A theory

Every Sunday, like clockwork, the newspaper receives a few faxed news releases from the Westboro Baptist Church. (Here's their Web site: http://www.godhatesfags.com/ Really. I'm not making that up.)

The groups weekend releases usually have to do with the a protest of a soldier's funeral. In the church's twisted way of thinking, god is somehow punishing the U.S. by killing soldiers by allowing queers to live.

They cross the nation protesting soldiers deaths — not just in Kansas where the church is based, but in states across the nation. Yes, they have been in your hackyard.

And while I hate to give them even recognition, I would like to propose a possible theory, along lines they may be able to follow.

Here we go: God Hates Italy!

To quote the Telegraph (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/italy/5145526/Italy-earthquake-survivors-in-tent-cities-hold-open-air-Easter-services.html):

"As the death toll from the disaster reached 294, priests held Mass in the camps which have been set up by emergency services around the shattered city of L'Aquila and surrounding villages for nearly 40,000 homeless people."

OK, so we are looking at 40,000 homeless people and nearly 300 dead, as of April 12. And the aftershocks are continuing. More buildings may collapse, before this is over.

Why did this happen to Italy? Clearly the answer is God Hates Italy.

Lets look at the reasons for that hate:

• In March, the Pope lifted an excommunication of a bishop who denied the Holocuast ever happened. When alert to this, the Pope apologized, but did not re-excommunicate the bishop. Rome does not have the best history of good relations with Jews.
• Also in March, the Pope, in a message to Africans, said condom use does not prevent the spread of AIDS. Clearly, science and Catholicism do not mix.
• And here's my favorite: Last December, the Pope compared saving humanity from gay behavior was just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction.
  

And so God issued his edit: Italy must suffer for the hate the Pope has shared with humanity. When the Pope learns to accept queers and Jews and suffers of AIDS are real humans, then, and only then, the future of Italy be assured.

God Hates Italy. (Is that Web site taken yet?)

Take that Rev. Phelps!

Where do I go now

I've been thinking about Dan Rather a lot lately.

I know. Weird, right?

More precisely, I've been thinking about Dan Rathers, a doll I named when I was 3 years old. (The resemblance between actual Dan Rather and my Dan Rathers doll is difficult to discern. The doll is 7 inches tall, has brown polyester pants and bright red hair. I can't honestly recall how the anchor looked in the 70s.)

Clearly I was a news junkie from an early age. (Not many other 3-year-olds name dolls after anchors, I'm guessing.)

Regardless of early obsession with broadcast journalism, I ended up in newspapers. I fell in love with them from the first time I worked on a student paper. I made my own major in college, being one of very few who graduated with an independent major in journalism. It was prestigious to be allowed to follow that path.

And although it took me longer than expected to graduate, I ended up at a daily paper right after Sept. 11.

I spent the majority of the past decade working at daily newspapers in smaller communities. But while the papers themselves were relatively small - circulations of roughly 30,000 - the companies that owned them were big.

I reflect on this now, as I look at the last few days of my employment at a daily newspaper. I'm not just losing my job; my profession is disappearing. There is not going to be another newspaper that is going to hire me. Across the board, we are being laid off.

So, I now join the ranks of the thousands of journalists who are unemployed. Where, exactly, do we go from here?

The cleavage conundrum

I spent much of yesterday wearing a dress. A low-cut dress.

I don't do this. Ever.

The response I got from wearing the dress was ... well, overwhelming ... in a lot of ways.

Don't get me wrong. I like boobs. I like them a lot.

The thing is, I like looking at them (on others) more than I like dealing with my own. I'd rather strap them down and keep them out of the way.

Come on, women. Boobs can be a pain -- a few days every month they are sore to the touch, it's nearly impossible to lie comfortable on one's stomach, and sliding into second base head first is completely out of the question.

And aside from the physical problems, there's always the aesthetics. Women are constantly complaining -- "Mine are too small." "Mine have gravity issues." "Why do they always have to be lopsided?"

Yesterday, I felt like everyone was staring at mine. All day. I TOTALLY get the objectification thing. It's really uncomfortable, and probably the reason I would rather be wearing T-shirts and jeans rather than a low-cut dress.

Even my friends were looking. Not at my eyes.

It was really disconcerting.

The problem is, I realize I'm just the same. Girls is low-cut shirts and dresses are hot. But I don't like being to one that is stared at, and now I feel horrible about being the starer.